Just Lather that's all

Adapted from a short story having the same name.


FADE IN:

EXT. CITY OF BOGOTA - 1940s

A faded white JEEP vehicle parks in front of a Barber's shop named NATALIA's. The front doors of the vehicle open and an ARMED DRIVER and an UNARMED MAN get out of the Jeep. The two men exchange inaudible talks in Spanish and the Unarmed Man laughs loudly. The Driver salutes the unarmed man and then, the driver gets into the Jeep and starts it.The Jeep EXITS.

The Unarmed Man, is a giant of a man , coarse and bearded and forty-ish. He runs his fingers over his hair and wears an army dress and heads into Natalia's. He has a bullet-studded belt but he does not have any weapons.

INT. NATALIA's BARBER SHOP

The UNARMED MAN enters the Barber's shop. The barber is NATALIA, a 25-ish Doe eyed girl who notices the unarmed man walking in, as she shaves another man, MAN#1. The MAN#1 who has lather on his face, sees the UNARMED MAN and he looks terrified. Natalia looks startled too. MAN#1 stands up in fear/respect and offers the seat to the UNARMED MAN.

MAN#1
(stuttering)
Ppp-please take the seat, Gustavo.

The UNARMED MAN, who is known as "Gustavo" smiles.

GUSTAVO
Oh thanks a lot.
(wicked Grin)
Don't you need the shave, young man.

MAN#1
I will take it sometime later. I got to go.

MAN#1 wipes the lather and with his half shaved beard, he makes a quick EXIT.

Gustavo sits on the barber's chair as the stone faced Natalia watches him.

GUSTAVO
It's hot as hell. Give me a shave. I think it is a six day beard.

Natalia tension seems to ease. She maintains her cool and she doesn't want to show her fear to Gustavo.

NATALIA
Your face looks red. Burnt by the sun, eh ?

GUSTAVO
I guess so.

Carefully, Natalia begins to prepare the soap. She cuts off a few slices, drops them into the cup, mixed in a bit of warm water, and began to stir with the brush. Immediately the foam began to rise. Natalia has the cup full of foam in her hands. Meanwhile, Gustavo keeps looking at his beard, scratching his massive face and combing his hair.

GUSTAVO
By the way, me and my boys....We did some good stuff this week. We killed a few of your town's generals, you know.

NATALIA
With curious, sharp eyes
And what did you do ?

GUSTAVO
We did all right, you know. We got the main generals. We brought back some dead, and we've got some others still alive. But pretty soon they'll all be dead.

NATALIA
(narrating)
No doubt about it, I was upset....He leaned back on the chair when he saw me with the lather-covered brush in my hand.

GUSTAVO
The town must have learned a lesson from what we did the other day.

Natalia starts shaving his beard.

NATALIA
(narrating)
I wanted to kill him, when he talked like that.
(aloud)
Yes.

NATALIA
(narrating)
His name was Captain Gustavo Torres. Right under the roof of my shop. A man of imagination. An enemy of the state. A fearless rebel who was on his way to become a dictator. A man whom man of us loved to hate. A cold and hearless enemy. Who else would have thought of hanging the naked generals and then holding target practice on certain parts of their bodies?

GUSTAVO
Without any effort I could go straight to sleep, but there's plenty to do this afternoon.

NATALIA
(curiously)
A firing squad?

Gustavo looks at Natalia in the eye. There is a desire in his eyes.

GUSTAVO
Disinterested
Nah.Something lesser than that.
(Changing the topic, Looking at Natalia in the eye)
Ohh look at those eyes. Hmmm...I feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet. I feel like taking her in a wheelbarrow and wheel her down the street.

NATALIA
(with a small fit of assertive anger)
Thanks. That comment was not invited.

The radio whizzes some incomprehendable Spanish song. GUSTAVO is about to fall asleep. Natalia is into deep into her job.

NATALIA
(narrating)
The beard was now almost completely gone. He seemed younger, less burdened by years than when he had arrived. I suppose this always happens with men who visit barber shops. Under the stroke of my razor Gustavo Torres was being rejuvenated-rejuvenated because I am a good barber, the best in the town, if I may say so.

GUSTAVO begins to snore. Natalia is shaving with her sharp eyes fixed on his chin and throat.

NATALIA
(narrating, contd)
I could cut this throat just so, zip! zip! I wouldn't give him time to complain and since he has his eyes closed he wouldn't see the glistening knife blade or my glistening eyes.

Natalia starts off a second shaving by mising some more lather.

NATALIA
(narrating, contd)
If I could kill him, I would be the Captain Torres' murderer. The rebels would say "She slit his throat while she was shaving him - a coward." And then on the other side, "She was the town barber. No one knew she was defending our cause."

And what of all this? Murderer or hero? My destiny depends on the edge of this blade. I can turn my hand a bit more, press a little harder on the razor, and sink it in. The skin would give way like silk. There is nothing more tender than human skin and the blood is always there, ready to pour forth. A blade like this doesn't fail. It is my best. But I don't want to be a murderer, no sir. You came to me for a shave. And I perform my work honorably.

I don't want blood on my hands. Just lather, that's all. You are an executioner and I am only a barber. Each person has his own place in the scheme of things. That's right. His own place.

By now, Natalia has finished shaving. She applies the after-shave lotion and wakes him up.

NATALIA
You are ready.

GUSTAVO
(Laughs)
Wow! you are a good barber. Excellent job.

He grabs a few notes out of his pocket and hands it over to Natasha. Gustavo goes to the hanger for his belt, pistol and cap. Natalia looks very pale but confident; her shirt is soaked. Gustavo finishes adjusting the buckle, and after automatically smoothens down his hair and he puts on the cap.

GUSTAVO
Oh, by the way, they told me that you'd kill me. They told me that you hated me a lot. I came to find out. But killing isn't easy. You can take my word for it. And you are a beautiful woman.

Gustavo walks out of the shop.

FADE OUT

Ramblin' Woman

FADE IN:
A huge biker drives a Harley Davidson at a constant speed on a seemingly endless road . The biker is in black leathers and wears a huge helmet with a black glass .

BIKER
(NARRATING)
It is the fifth day of August.
Just five years ago on the same day, I married Angela.
She was like my chopper.
"Smooth" is the word... I could see the sun in her eyes on the day of my marriage.

The wind howls, and the sound of the Harley fills the air.

BIKER
(NARRATING)
My marriage with Angela didnt last long. I loved her.She loved me.She hated my temper and carelessness.I thought she was crazy.After she left me, I shaved my head and took my chopper and rode straight away, down South....... I hoped nothing would go wrong again.

BIKER
(NARRATING)
Old Barney told me to do things in MY WAY.I thought abt old dead Barney's words seriously for the first time.I wanted to go on long rides ...To understand lives , people and the roads.And ofcourse, for the kicks.


BACKGROUND MUSIC : A Jazz musician mutters in the background.

The day fades into a night.The biker disappears into the darkness.

EXT. SOMEWHERE DOWN SOUTH - NIGHT

GEORGE, a STURDY MAN in his thirties walks with his head facing the ground.He sees a Harley Davidson bike and he asks for a hitch.

The BIKER (from the prev scene) stops the bike.

GEORGE
Thanks mate. My name is George.You going to New Orleans ?

The BIKER doesnt speak.The biker just nods a "yes".

George feels his pockets, to take some money out.

GEORGE
I dont have money mate. I am a pig farmer and I sold my pigs. Debt is horrible thing.I just need some help.Can you drop me at New Orleans, please ?

BIKER
Money aint necessary mate.Come along.

GEORGE
I can give you my blanket , The cold is devilish.We can rig up a tent nearby.

BIKER
Not necessary. Just jump along buddy.I will drive to Orleans in the night.

George gets on the bike and the biker starts. There is no wind and the night is really calm.

A beautiful night.

GEORGE
Whats your story, mate ?Looks like you are travelling for the kicks ?

BIKER
Well, it is the same old story. My wife left me.

GEORGE
Hahaha...So why you goin' to New Orleans buddy.

BIKER
I will be in time for the Mardi Gras Carnival .i've heard they have a real good time there, now ......

(PAUSE)

BIKER
Why did you sell your pigs, mate ?

GEORGE
Well...Thats a big lesson I learnt. As a pig farmer, I have noticed that there are two types of pigs. The little piggies which wriggle in the dirt and the bigger piggies who give loans to farmers like us. I got tricked by the bigger piggies.So I had to sell my little piggies.

BIKER
Thats true. Everywhere, there are a lot of "pigs".

GEORGE
By the way, do you take coke ?Marijuana? I have got it tucked up from Mexico.

BIKER
I dig that sh*t !!! I knew you were not an ordinary guy!It's been a while since I have doped.

BIKER
Where have you kept the dope?

GEORGE
In my bag.

BIKER
(NARRATE)
Old habits just die hard. I wanted to take my acid trip , right there

BIKER
(TO GEORGE)
I'll stop my chopper and we will have it.

BIKER
(NARRATE)
And thats how, GEORGE and I got down. I cant forget that night.Little did I know that it was George's last day in this world.

A LOUD BANG! of a gunshot is heard.

EXT. NEXT MORNING - DAY

George is dead with a shot on his forehead as the biker,standing, wearing his helmet, says a prayer in front of George.

BIKER
(NARRATE)
I had to kill George.He was a pig.I found Angela's photo in his wallet. I couldnt control my temper.I hated the man who snatched the woman from me without my knowledge.

BIKER
(NARRATE)
I also found out that she lived somewhere nearby.

BIKER
(NARRATE)
Suddenly I no longer felt like going to New Orleans.I drove back to say Angela , I loved her.

EXT. ANGELA's HOUSE - DAY

Angela is a pretty blonde who is just perfect.

Well. Not quite.

She sits facing the PHOTO of a red-haired woman, RACHEL with tears in eyes.

The biker enters and removes her helmet.

The biker is a WOMAN. She is Rachel.

ANGELA
How have you been, Rachel ?

Angela notices Rachel's shaved head.

ANGELA
You look different.

BIKER/RACHEL
I have been quite well.

(PAUSE)

BIKER/RACHEL
But I killed your "George".

Angela is stunned.

ANGELA
How did you know George ?

BIKER/RACHEL
He found me.

There is silence.

ANGELA
Are you going to kill me ?

BIKER/RACHEL
No.

BIKER
(NARRATE)
I had to do some explaning to Rachel.And I stayed there for a long time...


Was listening to some songs (Les Beatles) and I came up with this write-up. Just want to dedicate it to my oldest arch-rival, VHS. This is very much her style and influenzed by her "football and goalie" story which she put up in the "Blossoms" magazine.

Guru Shishya #7

I started writing this episode of Guru Shishya after a good refreshing episode of Socrates and Plato from DhiOnlyOne's blog . I enjoyed writing this. Hope you like it !



FADE IN :

INT. A BOEING BUS - SEPT.11-2001 MORNING

The Captain of the flight makes an announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen. We are headed to San Francisco International Airport. We have reached an altitude of 39,000 feet. Please relax and enjoy yourself and enjoy yourselves.There will be refreshments and programs on TV. We hope you enjoy your flight.Thanks for flying with us.

An OLD MAN dressed in an English attire and wears an English Beaver Top Hat. He rests on his walkstick.Sitting next to him is a hippie who plays a song on his ipod, The Beatles's "Free as a Bird".

The hippie looks at the old man's hat. He is surprised

HIPPIE
Strange!

OLD MAN
My man. Whats strange?

HIPPIE
I think we are all gonna die in half an hour.

OLD MAN
(chuckles)
Why? How do you know ?

HIPPIE
Dont worry. Take some oxygen. Tyler Durden said Oxygen gets you high. I believe him.
But the truth is, most of us look like we may die in half an hour.

OLD MAN
(inquisitively)
How do you know ?

HIPPIE
My name is Samay Agarwal.I have a very rare gift.I can see and tell the exact date & time about when a person is gonna die. You know, just like how medicine bottles come with expiry dates, we also have expiry dates written just above our heads. And I can see it.

OLD MAN
Hello Samay. Nice name.Nice gift you have.

HIPPIE
And I see, that everybody on this plane have an expiry date of September 11 2001 and about half an hour from now.

OLD MAN
So you reasoned it to be a crash ?

HIPPIE
Oh yes.

OLD MAN
Why dont you tell to anybody on the plane?

HIPPIE
I am a hippie. The world thinks hippies are mad.

OLD MAN
I dont. :-)

HIPPIE
But there seems to be something special about you.
Your expiry date is set to :- 0xFF-0xFF-OxFFFF.

OLD MAN
Oh thats right. My name is ......Oh never mind. Just call me a Guru.

HIPPIE
Can we do something about the situation ?

OLD MAN
Nope. I am afraid, we cannot. We have to leave to George Bush and a person known by the name Osama Bin Laden.

HIPPIE
So what happens next? What do I do ? I am sure there will be a crash.

OLD MAN
Well, I was sent to take you back from this plane.

HIPPIE
Who are you ? Will you rescue me, from this place ?

OLD MAN
Call me Guru. Become my Shishya. I will take you away from this place.

HIPPIE
Oh Guru! Please rescue me from this place!!

OLD MAN
Surely, Samay.

Poof! The Guru and Samay are teleported to .....

EXT. THE GURU's ASHRAM - DAY

Children,deer, rabbits, peacocks and attractive women play in front of the ashram and the guru takes Samay, beneath the Peepal Tree.Some shishyas are studying the vedas and some of them are staring at the hippie.

SHISHYA#1
So Guru!! This is Samay.

GURU
(to Samay)
Samay, dont tell any of your expiry dates fundas to any of the people here. I run an ashram not a psychiatric consultancy. People will get psyched if they hear their expiry dates.

SAMAY
Sure, Guruji.But why did you bring me here ?

GURU
I didnt bring you here. MY GURU asked me to bring you to her.

SAMAY
Is she here ?

GURU
We have to meet her.She'll decide what to do next.She is the greatest teacher, mankind has ever seen. Mankind will ever see. Unfortunately she has killed all her disciples. And I am supposed to die on 0xFF-0xFF-OxFFFF.

SAMAY
So, where does she stay ?

GURU
She stays in dimension 4.

SAMAY
How do we go there ?

GURU
It is a part of imagination, dude. You have to imagine Dimesion#4.

SAMAY
How do I do it ?

The GURU picks some GRASS on the ground.

GURU
This is called , "The Holy Hashish". Just have it.

SAMAY
I have hash very often.

GURU
This is a different version, which I use to go to meet her. Have a place and let us smoke it,my dear hippie buddy.

SAMAY
Yeah sure man...

Amidst a lot of Psychedelic Rock, the Guru and Samay start smoking The Holy Hashish.The surroundings suddenly melt and everything is white.An ocean of whiteness. Samay and the Guru just sleep. Then they are placed in a googolhedron based structure. And we see a very beautiful woman wearing a red gown.The woman looks like Liz Hurley (or is she ?).

Her name is Time.Rather she is Time.

TIME
Welcome Guruji. How is mankind doing? So you bought Samay with you ?

GURU
My best wishes to you madame.This is Samay.

TIME
Hello Samay :-) .

SAMAY
(sweating)
Hello.

TIME
I just came to know, you got this gift, after your overdose of narcotics and OD-ing.It's been more than a month. And it took some time to understand about your gift.I took sometime to decide to do what with you.
(PAUSE)
I think, it is best you go back to the flight.

SAMAY
Why ? I want to live!!!

TIME
I am afraid, you cant Samay. Your "gift" is a little too dangerous. I dont see understand how you can see the patterns and sequence of events. We dont want a change the careful events which have been generated.These events are generated strictly in complaince with the Laws of Matter and Energy.But if you start taking proactive actions because, you can "see" the future and change patterns, You are almost as capable as the Guru, himself.

SAMAY
Thats okay. I understand, I'll die. But what abt you ? What abt the Guru ?

TIME
Well, I'm just a concept.I have been a major subject of philosophy, art, poetry, and science. I cannot be killed. I dont have a beginning or an end. People say something called Big Bang! My ass!!Let them waste their time creating theories.

SAMAY
So who are you, according to you ?

TIME
Guruji, you wanna explain ?

GURU
My pleasure! Every atom in YOUR WORLD can be located in the (x,y,z) plane. So, is only (x,y,z) enough ? Not at all. For YOUR WORLD, an atom in the year 9.A.D. may be present in one of Jesus's hair. The SAME atom, would be present in a rock in 1895 A.D. Now, it may be a dirt in your eye! So (x,y,z) and time can locate any ATOM in your world ! So, time is a sort of "dimension" which aids in locating an atom.

SAMAY
So, is Time the fourth dimension ?

GURU
Time is not even 4 dimension. Time is the (n+1)th dimension for an n-dimension creature. Think of it this way. Consider a two-dimensional world resembling a sheet of paper.The atoms in THAT WORLD can be located by (x,y) and TIME which is "z" in your world!

SAMAY
Thats amazing! How do I look to a 2D world ? How does a 4D creature look ?

GURU
Have a look here

TIME
Guruji, can you please place him in the aircraft, United 93.We dont have time and energy.

SAMAY
Yes, I will go.But,one last question.Who is the Guru ?

TIME
Guru is the compilation of Human Knowledge. It has a birth. And it ends. Unlike me. By "ending", he will attach himself to me, physically.

The girl "Time" winks at the Guru.

TIME
Wanna attach to me, Gurujee....teehee

GURU
Time and Space is running out! Samay, You must have heard the Pink Floyd song.

SAMAY
Yeah...I breathe that song....So, What am I supposed to do ?

GURU
Just stab the Pilot of United-93 with this kashmiri dagger, so that it crashes in an empty field just outside Shanksville, Pennsylvania, about 150 miles (240 km) northwest of Washington, D.C.

SAMAY
Let the pattern grow as it is supposed.

GURU
Dont worry buddy. You will have a very interesting next Janma. Bye!

SAMAY
Bye Guruji

FADE OUT


Previous Guru and Shishya Posts can be found here :-
6,5,4,3,2,1.

Black hole sun

After quite sometime, I have tried a "black" script. :)
Do let me know , how this is .


[FADE IN:]

Empty canvas lay on the floor of a house.A MAN has a color palette and his paintbrush ready. The MAN walks outside the WOODEN INTERIORS of his house. An ATTRACTIVE WOMAN sits on a chair as the man walks out.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The HOUSE is in the middle of a thick forest. Very little sunlight penetrates and the crickets chirp loudly. The sounds wane in the volume. Dry leaves on a partially wet forest floor.It is early autumn.

Then, there is complete silence.

The Man wanders into the house.

INT. FOREST DAY

MAN to the woman
Some time ago, there were two of us in this house. I remember her eyes, her long legs.Her body was my canvas. She was my sole inspiration.
(pause)
Things were so tangible.Just like my older paintings.

MANcontd.
Now, I use a lot of black. And I dabble my brush with patterns.I dont do my theme paintings.

WOMAN
Theme paintings ?

MAN
"Theme paintings" are a a series of paintings which are of a common theme.Simplicity and innocence are out.

The Man places his pallete and the brush on the table as he continues....

MAN
I havent yet created my masterpiece.I have to finish one last painting, to create my best work of theme painting.

WOMAN
So who was she ? How did you meet her ? If I may ask ?

MAN
She was everything to me.

MAN
I was a young rascal who denounced the world and selected a self sufficient life. This forest took care of me just like the other animals here.

WOMAN
I think it was a little weird and eccentric choice. Didnt you feel irresponsible and disorderly.

MAN
Disorder ? I'm interested in anything about disorder....chaos.
(pause)
Especially activity that appears to have no meaning. It seems to me to be the road toward freedom.

MAN(contd)
I met her one day. She was wearing red gown.

WOMAN
A red gown ? In a forest ?

MAN
(laughs)
She said that she ran away from a party. I didnt ask her why.....My girl, Wanda, was a very private person.

Tha Man gives a tense laugh.

WOMAN
Go on. Im listening.Tell me about Wanda.

MAN
She was interested in Astronomy.I was interested in painting her. We decided to paint a series which involved the stellar evolution and her moods.The "stars part" was to satisfy her desire.And I wanted her to be in my paintings.She was my biggest inspiration in my paintings.

WOMAN
Do stars have life ?

MAN
Wanda thought so.She told me they are just like human beings.They are born, they thrive, they pollute their ownselves, they die .They haunt us as black holes. They maybe reborn.

The MAN takes an old PAINTING and clears the cobwebs.

The PAINTING shows a cloud and a woman's face with blue eyes, gazing at the cloud.The cloud is a bright golden yellow.

MAN
You can see the clouds and a beautiful Wanda's face staring at the giant cloud of gas. This is the nascent stage of a star.The cloud is a a beautiful yellow.This was my first impression of Wanda. I loved her blue eyes.I loved her face and I said that to her more than a thousand times.

WOMAN
It's lovely.Looks like you were madly in love with her at that point of time.

The MAN takes the SECOND painting. It shows a green forest and a bright sun and a nude, beautiful woman lying on the forest floor.The SUN is throwing bright white light everywhere in the painting.

MAN
Our sun is in this state.Just after its "Young Guns" days , but still shining and full of energy and heat.It is bringing good feel to its entire surroundings , and going really good.

WOMAN
Whats that on her hand, in the painting ?

We zoom into A GOLD RING, which is seen on the painting.

MAN
Oh. That is a ring which she loved and wore all the time.

WOMAN
It is such a beauty.I think she loved it a lot.

MAN
Time flew by. We realised we were not the ideal couple for each other. She wanted to sell this for money. I wanted to complete the whole series.We painted out next painting.


The NEXT PAINTING shows a Star with a BLUISH tinge and Wanda resting her face on her hands. A teardrop runs on her glowing cheek.

MAN
Although, the star is still very hot, it gives out blue light.It's core is disturbed with helium, but at the outset it is still fine.That was her exact state of mind.Wanda was disturbed everyday after our frequent fights.The whole theme of the painting is blue.

WOMAN
I liked the blue mood in this one.

MAN
The next one is an absolute genius. You have to see this.

Then the Man brings the NEXT painting.As he brings the painting, there is a sharp shiny glint in his eyes.A glint that can be interpreted as achievement.

MAN
My fourth painting depicting the red-giant star. A red-giant is...well....a RED GIANT. I thought of a lot of red while I painted this one.
(laughs)
Wanda said that the core of the red giant is corrupted with Helium.The Red Giant is not a fully dead star. But it is tortured to death....The exterior of the star becomes thinner and thinner and fades away into the infinte space.

The MAN holds the painting towards the woman.

The THIRD PAINTING contains a lot of red. It shows a RED CORE of a star and an exterior RED fading from the core......At the right end of the painting, the exterior red of the star is mixed with intense blood red. At the extreme right corner, Wanda is depicted. Wanda covers her slit throat which is dripping with blood, as she cries in despair.

The Woman gasps.

WOMAN
(slightly tensed)
How did you visualize this painting ? What was Wanda's reaction , to this !!!

MAN
(sharp)
I slit her throat.I used the blood.

The Woman smiles.

WOMAN
I think it is a very innovative concept.

The Man starts walking near the door and gazes outside.

MAN
(pleased)
You think so? Thanks a lot.
(pause)
For my last painting, I need an idea.Do you have an idea ?

As the man turns around to see the woman's reaction.....

The WOMAN is disfigured.Her face is blood stained. A ring appears on her hand.The WOMAN is WANDA's ghost.

WOMAN
(cackling voice)
Wilfred, we can finish the final painting together.I will set you on fire, I'll scatter your ashes on the canvas and we will make the "Black Hole" painting. Bring your black oil paint and we will use water colors for this.

As she says this, a ball of fire devours the man. He shrieks in agony.......


[FADE OUT]

Dilbertesque attempt #2

The Manager goes to the security guard.

MANAGER
Hey Boss, Can you give me a laxative.

SECURITY MAN
Sir, I am not your boss.

MANAGER
When I want to keep my conversation very short,I use the word "boss.", you fool.

SECURITY GUARD
Sir, you can get laxatives in the medical shop.We keep first aid medicines and paracetamol here.We dont keep laxatives.Why dont you go home for purge?
(pause)
By the way, I use the word "buffoon", if an employee uses laxatives to stimulate evacuation of bowels at office.

MANAGER
Really? I can fire you , if you talk like that.

The security guard points his rifle.

SECURITY GUARD
(very stylish american accent)
So can I.

The shapely RECEPTIONIST winks at the security guard.

RECEPTIONIST
You are my hero.

The manager goes to the medical shop to buy the laxative.

INT. CUBICLE - DAY

The SOFTWARE ENGINEER is typing a size 48 font size "WELCOME", on slide #1, on a Microsoft PowerPoint Presentation.The phone rings.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Hello ?

GIRL's VOICE
Hi techie, Would you like to buy a Manhattan Credit Card ?

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
How do you know I am a techie ?

GIRL's VOICE
All techies are stupid, boring males....

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
I will buy your credit card, but on one condition.
If your company buys our software , I will buy your credit card.

GIRL's VOICE
What software do you guys write ?

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Stepper motor Software..

A slam of the phone is heard.

The Software Engineer resumes writing his presentation on "Effective techniques to write bug free Programs".

Another phone ring is heard.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Hallo ?

MANAGER
I have powdered the laxative and put it in the coffee machine.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Great! So shall I bring Dr.Reddy for coffee.

MANAGER
Sure, but first, I have to offer the coffee to a security guard.We have some unfinished business.


EXT. SOMETIME LATER - DAY

Dr.REDDY is a 40-ish man , very conscious of his appearance.Grey hair at the sides, casual Tee-shirts and jeans.

He walks along with the Software Engineer and the Manager, bragging his history.

Dr.REDDY
Before getting promoted to an astronaut, I was a Software Engineer just like you.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
I didnt know this sir!

Dr.REDDY
But I was a very curious one....I experimented with all kinds of Software, I was brilliant!

MANAGER
Thats really great sir!

Dr.REDDY
We didnt have these Pentium Machines then. I wrote a whole database system using only 1s and 0s. Before that I wrote a compiler using only 0s.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Wow! We have a genius with us.....You are a role model.

Dr.REDDY
I used to take HUGE coffee breaks whenever I achieved a short term goal or when I solved a bug.
(proudly)
And to this day, I keep that habit!

MANAGER
We are privileged to have a legend with us, sir.Can we have some coffee.

Dr.REDDY
Sure!

To be continued

A very Dilbertesque attempt.

Tried a dilbert below :-



The performance review starts and the software engineer adjusts his tie.

SE
(narration VO)

In the early days, men and knights of strength and valor, wore striped ties and smeared their tie with their opponents' blood using the swords after killing the opponent.That explains the allignment of the stripes.That was ths significance of the stripes and the culture of stripe ties..Nowadays the striped ties are worn during the performance appraisal.I am about to face the battle for this quarter.
Lets get back to reality.


The Manager and the software engineer enter the room.
The engineer closes the door.

The MANAGER flashes the customary smile.

MANAGER
Please sit down.

The Engineer sits down.

The Manager clears his throat and starts off.

MANAGER
Your performance can be described as "simian".

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Thanks :-) I am feeling on top of a tree!

MANAGER
Hahaha....How do you consider this as a compliment ?

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Since our business is nothing but "monkey business", I would love to have a simian performance for my appraisal.

MANAGER
(as a matter of fact-ed ly)
Look this is no time for monkey tricks.
Lets get to what we have done,this quarter.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Allright.

MANAGER
Begin with what you did this quarter.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
I wrote the stepper motor software which unrolls the toilet paper for the astronauts for the Moon-Moon spaceship project.

MANAGER
(sighs heavily, adjusts his specs)
Actually I have some doubts on this project. Who suggested this idea ?

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
It was your brain child.I think you roped this project after convincing the Moon-Moon Project Manager about our core competency in stepper motor.

MANAGER
(suspiciously)
Allright. So when is the testing supposed to start ?

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
I have done the unitary testing which ensures that the stepper motor unrolls at a uniform rotational speed.I used Rotational Mechanics Principles.

MANAGER
Okay.I have asked the test team to come up with the test plan. But they didnt oblige because they dont know how to test this.They said they were actually testing the Moon-Moon spaceship itself.
Some button on the spaceship is malfunctioning.....I am just confused. How do we test your component ?

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
How about giving some laxatives to astronauts and putting them in a 0 gravity state in the Moon-Moon simulator, and testing our software ?

MANAGER
Sounds like a great idea.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Then give me a good grade for my performance appraisal.

MANAGER
Surely, I will.But I guess we need to buy some laxatives first , for the astronauts and put some in their floor's coffee machine. They will gladly oblige for the tests later.


SOFTWARE ENGINNER
Whom shall we call ?

MANAGER
We will persuade Dr.Reddy for drinking laxative concentrated coffee and later bring him to our test chamber.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER.
So what grade do I get ?

MANAGER
B+

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Thank you.

To be continued.....

Guru Shishya #6 - The last one :-)

INT. ROOM - DAWN

Two lovers lie on their bed, without the sheets and a golden ray of light shines liting the room..The Shishya and his girlfriend are about to finish their last lapse of sleep.Suddenly there is a rumbling sound, which muffles the sweet tweety sounds of the birds.

The Yamaraaj rides on his buffalo and shatters the wall of the room and stands before them.....

He sees the coffee on the table.He drinks a little bit of coffee from the flask.
The Shishya's lover wakes up with a start.

Shishya's Lover
Who...who are you? Are you Yamaraaj?

YAMARAAJ
The coffee is fucking cold.

Shishya's Lover
It was not for you... My man doesnt mind drinking stale coffee.

YAMARAAJ
Irony!
No concern over your own lover!!
See you later,woman! I'll whip your ass in hell.Now it is your hubby's turn.

Shishya's Lover
Whipping ass in hell ? Hell sounds like a cool place...

YAMARAAJ
I am not interested in plain talk. I will make you regret your words.

The Yamaraaj takes a rope and the soul of the Shishya is bound to the rope,

YAMARAAJ
He's literally out of this world!

Shishya's Lover
Where ?

YAMARAAJ
Hell...or heaven , I really dont know.But first we have to depart from Earth.
Bye...see ya soon.

Shishya's Lover
Bye.. I wud have made him a better coffee today :-(

YAMARAAJ's BUFFALO
Yamraaj, sorry for interruption...The milk you drank..Is it buffalo milk ?

YAMARAAJ
Buddy, stop fantasizing ....let's move.

The buffalo assumes the shape of the Lamborghini Bull and we're off from that place.

EXT. THE HIMALAYAS - TOP OF MOUNT KAILASH

The GURU, ageless , and lonely sits meditating. A sonic boom of a voice is heard from the sky.

THE VOICE
Hello Guruji.

The Guru recognizes the voice.

GURU
Yes Chitragupta. I am on Mount Kailas. What do you want?

CHITRAGUPTA
We have a problem....We need your advice on a matter.
Can you teleport yourself to GATEWAY-215B33.

GURU
Right on.

The Guru teleports himself to the GATEWAY, and he finds the Shishya (referred in the previous shot)...The Shishya stands, although he closes his eyes.The Guru inferes that he is sedated.

GURU
What is the problem, Chitragupta,Oh Divine keeper of Accounts.
Do you need any consulting, now ?

CHITRAGUPTA
Yes Guruji.I cannot decide whether this person can go to hell or heaven.

GURU
What was his Purpose and scope ? What were his actions ?

CHITRAGUPTA
The purpose and scope were left blank by Brahma that day when Brahma created his behaviour-description document..that happens once in (4294967296-1) humanbeings. But generally human beings are intelligent and they do something eventful in their lifespanBased on their actions I decide to put them in hell or heaven....But this guy.....

GURU
What did this guy do ?

CHITRAGUPTA
Nothing.

GURU
Doing nothing is a crime.....BUT sometimes it is a virtue.

CHITRAGUPTA
What do you propose ? Benefit of doubt and send him to heaven ?

GURU
Oh Chitragupta! Keeper of Chronicles of Life and Death! "Benefit of Doubt" is only for batsmen playing cricket....I will take him to heaven and teach him a lesson , so that he learns..

CHITRAGUPTA
I had given him a sedative...He doesnt know that he is dead.Can I wake him up now ?

GURU
Go ahead.

The SHISHYA wakes up.He sees the Guru standing....

SHISHYA
Oh Guru!! I am so glad to see you!

He sees Chitragupta and recognizes him.

SHISHYA
Am I dead ?Is this Chitragupta ?

GURU
Yes.

SHISHYA
I am glad....So I am going to heaven.

GURU
Yes....

SHISHYA
Oh okay.. I cant wait to see heaven.

EXT. HEAVEN's DOOR - DAY

The Shishya knocks on the door.

GURU
Knock knock Knocking on heavens door...I like that song.

SHISHYA
You bet! Oh holy one!

The Door is opened by an extremely beautiful damsel. She is TRISHA.
She wears a French Maid costume. Shoulder length hair.

GURU
Hi Trisha. How are u ?

TRISHA
I am doing really cooL , guruji.

GURU
This is one of my disciples.Shishya , this is Trisha.

SHISHYA
I am thrilled to meet you!

TRISHA
Oh no need to be.The pleasure is mine.

GURU
Dont be so thrilled ..By the way, Shishya, from here on, you get in.I dont have a overnight stay permit in this heaven and I dont die like you mortals. Have a great time.

The Guru winks at Trisha and disappears.

TRISHA
So here we are....Me and you...At heaven...What do you expect ?

SHISHYA
(nervously)
Nothing.

TRISHA
Great....."Nothing" seems to be your fave word.
I heard that you are okay with your lover giving you stale coffee.

SHISHYA
Yeah....I did feel bad sometimes , but now I am okay with stale coffee....

TRISHA
What else are you okay with ?

SHISHYA
(thinks deeply)
I am okay with everything.I just want to avoid quarrel. I want to avoid negativity.

TRISHA
So, compromise is an old friend of yours ?

SHIHSYA
Yeah...I guess compromise is both my friend and enemy.....I feel it is a complicated emotion only human beings are capable of....Animals dont compromise with grace...They compromise bitterly after a war.

TRISHA
Interesting....So you compromised on your aims?

SHISHYA
Maybe....

TRISHA
I am the sort of person who never compromised on anything.

SHISHYA
How long have you been in heaven ?

TRISHA
Heaven ? Who said this is heaven ?

SHISHYA
Am I not in heaven ?

TRISHA
No.

SHISHYA
(terrified)
Am I in hell?.

TRISHA
No.....You are in Trishanku's heaven.I am the female form of Trishanku. Trisha for short....I was feeling lonely here for a long time....I'm glad I found some company!

SHISHYA
Yeowwww!!!! Lemme get out of here....

As the Shishya shrieks , he stands in front of the Guru , Chitragupta.

GURU
Dont Panic, shishya...I seized your soul and brought you back.

SHISHYA
Why do you want to send me to Trishanku's heaven , Oh Guruji ?

The Guru laughs.

GURU
Generally , all the people in this world have to NEGOTIATE when they have differing views and a compromise should be reached after negotiation.Dont EVER compromise at your cost.You have created a blunder in your most recent life, so I wanted to remind you about that. At the same time, you can never get happy by compromising to nobody.You will end up being lonely and snobbish if you are adamant.. Just like Trisha...It is a heaven, yet it isnt.

SHISHYA
Oh Guruji.. Thanks for opening my eyes.

GURU
Okay...I need some time for my meditation...Hope you will do a good job in your next rebirth.
BE SOMEBODY baby!

Guru Shishya #5

The shishya sits in the La Défense metro station at Paris , looking at the digital clock to display 7:59. In minutes, a metro train zooms like a bullet and stops at the wink of an eye. As usual, hoards of beautiful people get out of the train.

As the shishya keeps looking at them , the metro zooms away.

Oh no! I missed the metro.

The shishya curses that he has to wait for another 5 more minutes.

A beautiful masterpiece Vienna_esque music is played just behind the shishya. A beggar with an accordion. A born musician.With solid speakers and background music.

Another struggling artist in Paris....Not a beggar

The beggar magically transforms into the guru.

GURU :-
What are you doing here , you idiot ? I thought you were in the ashram.
You havent attended many philosophical lectures for many decades.

SHISHYA :-
Oh holy one...I need a philosophical lesson rite now....

The guru was always a helpful man. Giving a lot of help when it was needed the most....

GURU :-
What do you want to know abt ?

SHISHYA :-
About concentra....

As he says the word,the shishya's head turns as he ogles at a group of 7 blondes with make-up kits in one head and the happening "Da Vinci Code" book in another hand, wearing really short skirts just swaying away.

The guru notices his shishya ogling.He is disturbed.

GURU :-
Lesson one:- Keep everything within your own race.

SHISHYA :-
Yes oh holy guru!

THE BLONDES :-
but why oh guruji ???? We are all for inter_racial love.We love the shishya.

The guruji utters some mantras in French and sprinkles water , they turn into stone.

GURU :-
The disturbance is gone.Okay tell me now,
What do you want to know abt, Oh shishya ?

SHISHYA :-
The role of Concentration.

The GURU utters some more mantras in Sanskrit and they see a huge screen like one of those at a rock concert.

On the screen, the Guru is seen, standing with 20 pre teen shishyas standing with bows and arrows in hand.

The Guru is teaching them a lesson on concentration.

There is a clay bird ( a lump of clay moulded into a bird ) on the tree and the shishyas are aiming at the bird.

GURU to SHISHYA #1 :-
What can you see ?

SHISHYA #1 :-
I can see the eye of the bird.

GURU :-
Excellent...Next.

The next Shishya stands in front of the guru and takes an aim at the clay bird.

GURU to SHISHYA #2 :-
What can you see ?

SHISHYA #2 :-
I can see the pupil of the bird.

GURU :-
Excellent...next one....

GURU to SHISHYA #3 :-
What can you see ?

SHISHYA #3 :-
I can see the RETINA of the bird AND NOTHING ELSE.

GURU :-
Unbelievable concentration.Next.

GURU to SHISHYA #4 :-
What can you see ?

SHISHYA #4 :-
I can see you wearing a saffron dhoti, the other three shishyas happy because they received your praise, the forest, the trees and a meteor heading straight where we are standing AND the retina of the bird.

The guru sees a meteor heading towards where they are standing. His eyesight crushes the meteor into 55484123156 pieces.

GURU :-
Shabaash mere bachche.....This is what is required for anyone on this planet.You have to be alert
about your surroundings AND concentrate on your work.Otherwise you will get lost in the details of life and lose the big picture.

The screen blurs and we are back to the Paris metro station.

GURU:-
Is it clear now, oh ignorant one ?

SHISHYA :-
Yes guru.

GURU :-
Now get back to work and concentrate and be alert.

Guru Shishya #4 - Ulterior Motive

As his disciples the shishyas prepare for their daily lesson, the guru finishes his meditation and opens his eyes.

Guru:-
My dear disciples, time for some profound philosophical discussions.
Today, I am going to discuss about a behaviour which I have commonly observed in you Homo Sapiens.

Shishya#1:-
What is that common behaviour, Oh Holy one ?

As the guru spoke, his eyes widened.

Guru:-
It is called Ulterior Motive

Shishya#1:-
That is a very banal, hackneyed, trite concept known to everyone.

The Guru laughs hysterically.

Guru:-
My innocent one, it isnt.I spoke to Lord Vishnu, Goddess Lakshmi and Narada yesterday and I have drafted an initial version of the "Principle of the Ulterior Motive". Probably it will be released as 6 verses in RV_1566.3.2

Shishya#2:-
What is RV_1566.3.2 ?

Guru:-
That will be the newest Rig Veda Specification.

All the disciples echo in chorus :-
Please tell us about the "Principle of the Ulterior Motive", oh holy one!

The Guru gives a plain faint smile.

Guru:-
Jot down what I say now.

All the shishyas run towards a peacock (who is desperately trying to please his mate) and pluck all the feathers of the peacock, making it bald, and gather peepal leaves to jot down the very important principle the Guru has promised them to render.

Guru :-

There are several types of motives:-
Kama(worldly pleasure)
Krodha(anger)
Lobha(greed)
Moha(infatuation/extreme affection)
Mada(fanatic abt Money,Power,beauty etc)
Matsarya(jealousy)

Whatever a person does or acts can be easily traced to these.
ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.
Based on the RESULT of an action, we have "emotions" and "behaviour".

All the other "advanced emotions" can be traced to the four basic emotions :-
1. "Glad"
2. "Sad"
3. "Fear"
4. "Afraid"

And this is the principle of the ulterior motive.

Shishya#1:-
Should we conquer it ?

Guru:-
HAHAHA.
Dont BELIEVE what I say , my dear innocent shishya.
REALISE it for urself.
You can then become TIMELESS,BOUNDARYLESS, MEANINGLESS and HOPELESS like me.

Guru Shishys#3 :- Purpose

The guru sits meditating on the circular mud platform encircling the peepal tree.The forest is calm and beautiful as usual.

Shishya#1 and Shishya#2 come in search of the guru.
Shishya#1 and Shishya#2 stand in front of the guru and bow to the guru.

The guru opens his eyes and gives a mischievous smile.

Guru:-
What brings you here, shishyas ?

Shishya#1:-
Oh holy one! We need some clarifications for our doubts from you

Guru:-
What sort of clarifications ?

Shishya#1:-
The PURPOSE of our lives

Guru:-
This is a difficult one.

The guru gets up and walks aside.

Guru:-
What were you in previous lives ?

Shishya#1 and Shishya#2 :-
We were software engineers working in India.

Guru :-
I am shocked to know that almost 90% of my shishyas were SEs or Senior Software Engineers!Anyway, to answer ur questions, I need to STOOP down to YOUR LEVEL to answer these questions.

Shishya#1:-
Please do, Sir!

Guru:-
Have u seen the movie Matrix-2 in ur past life.

Shishya#2:-
Yes Oh holy one!

Guru:-
I'll quote Agent Smith.

The guru clones himself to 10 Gurus.

Guru:-
"It is purpose that created us.Purpose that connects us.Purpose that pulls us.That guides us.That drives us.It is purpose that defines us.Purpose that binds us."

Now did you guys understand ?

Shishya #1 :-
I didnt.I hated the Matrix 2 and 3.

The Guru tries to explain things in a different way.

Guru:-
You must have prepared several documents.....
Did you observe the heading like PURPOSE and SCOPE in your software specifications document ?

Shishya#1 :-
Yes Oh holy one!

Guru:-
God defines Purpose and Scope for humans.Then the next page is left INTENTIONALLY BLANK . You got to fill those up before you are out of scope. Did u Understand , my dear brain dead sishya?

Shishya #1 :-
Yes, oh learned one.

The shishya is satisfied with the explanations.

Guru :-
Okay, I think I should take bath in the holy Ganga river now.Please have some sweets inside my house. It is prepared by my sexy biwi , Gurupathni. She was a BPO executuive in her previous birth.

Both the Shishyas run happily inside the ashram while the Guru prepares for bath.

Guru Shishya #2

The Shishya sits at a nearby pond.
Shishya ogles at another female Shishya...

Female shishya is a Shakuntala clone exposing midriff and all that....
Swans sail on that pond.

The Guru sits ON the pond. (Guru floats on water...he is the boss)

Shishya asks a question:
"Tell me Guru, about Love"

Before the guru can reply,The female shishya replies,

"You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It Symbolizes Love."

"As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there,
it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round
it and try to posses it,it will spill through the first crack it finds."

The guru now takes over....

"This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they
try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water
spilling out of your hand, love will leave you. For love is
meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you
love, allow them to be free beings."

After listening to the lecture, Shishya is madly in love with the female shishya.

-----------
short story edited and re-engineered by su depp

Guru Shishya #1

"Oh holy Guru" , said the shishya with his hands folded as the Guru sat under the holy Vruksha, "was life always supposed to be this hopeless?"

The guru who is an age old rishi opens an eye and winks at the shishya.

"I have always told you that desire is the chief cause of misery, oh dear shishya.What is it that is bothering you?"

"I am not able to find happiness in this world , oh master!"

"Dont desire happiness.It is very elusive.Just get off it.You will be happy".

"I tried that very hard master".

"You DESIRED (not to desire happiness).So you are miserable.
Dont follow the principle DESIRE IS THE CHIEF OF MISERY very rigidly.
If you DESIRE to follow that principle in order to lead a happy life, u r a mess.
It is very tricky."

"So how can I get it?"

"I will repeat it. Dont desire happiness.You will be happy".

Shishya is a shiny, happy man and walks away.
----------
Hahaha short story by Su Depp
More of this series coming.