Sunday, September 26, 2004

YASE's musings

My feet were getting numb. My arms were getting tired. But I sat there,
looking at the monitor, pretending to work. What if I slept off on the
keyboard? What would people around me think? Am I not competitive
enough.Would another night out hurt. "No it won't." I consoled myself.
"Work a little more." I told myself.

Images of links between tables and pages from what we call, ETRMs
crossed my mind. "Why?" I asked myself. "Why doesn't my mind wander away to the
more beautiful things in life?" "Why does it always have to be WORK!!!?"

That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I pressed the shutdown button
on the PC as if to say, "I hate you". As if in reply, it took me twice to
shut it down. I kicked my locker and walked out of my cubicle. The security
at the reception looked into my eyes sympathetically. I pretended like I am
solving problems in my head (for the testing work that i am involved in) .

As if the world depended on my silly program/script.
As if to justify the fact that the Security needs to respect me. I hated
myself. I walked down the corridor towards the lift.

There I was, on the third floor(terrace). It was 3.30 in the morning. The terrace
looked deserted. I loved the feeling. I was all alone. Just me, and the
sky and the stars and the early morning breeze. I looked all around. The
world looked much beautiful. Somewhere, far away, I could see lights. I
presume that must have been another workplace where people like me are working
away at their PCs.

I stood at the edge of the terrace. As I looked at the road that ran in
front of our office, I slowly kept my palm on the wall. A chill ran down
my spine. Tiny droplets of water had formed on the wall, which I touched. I
wanted to feel it again. I touched it again. It was the most wonderful
feeling. I wondered why I don't do these things often.

I decided to stay there till sunrise. I closed my eyes and waited.
Finally, I could see a faint light in the east. Even though we hardly notice,
these things do happen. Like sunrise and stuff. I saw the sun rise. As he rose
I could see more and more buildings like ours. The breeze had got much
stronger. It was like sitting near the window seat of a bus that was
moving through some lonely road near a lush paddy field. I got that taste in
the air. I got the feel. It was like heaven had met earth.

In the cubicle, I congratulate someone when his program/script works.
There I was, all alone, on the terrace, when more important things were
happening and I had no one to congratulate. I wanted to cry "Thank you
God"."Thank you for giving me this beautiful world to live in." But... the
words wouldn't come out. I felt guilty. I knew very well that I would go back
in the cubicle once my emotions wore off.

"No" I said. "I am NOT going back there again." I ran down the stairs. I
wanted the glass that covers our reception to break and let some of this
air in. I rushed into my cubicle and got my bag and stuff. Running out, I
did not bother to sign the register. Strangely, my vehicle started with just
one kick. I rode my bike quite fast, just to feel the air on my face.

When I reached the road, I realized that I was late. Considering the
fact that I was in office since yesterday, I was really really late. The
world had moved on. People had spent another night with their families. Kids
had spent another day studying for exams. Old folks had spent another night
wondering when to dye their hair. Teenagers had spent another night
dreaming about their loved ones.

There I was, like a machine coming out of my office building. I saw
people taking their morning walks. Some of them jogging. Some of them standing
and talking. Some old aunties jogging and talking and laughing, all at the
same time. There were newspaper-boys, milk-vendors and what not.

I started feeling out of place. "Was I from another planet or
something?" I thought. I was dreaming I guess, a milk-vendor chap on his bicycle
nearly hit my bike. "Idiot" I said. Didn't he know I am going home after a
tough day? Didn't he know that I am tired, and do not have the energy for such
crap? "Wait a minute," I told myself. "Are you doing somebody a favor by
staying in the office so long?" "Will this world be a better place if
you do that?" "Do you have it in you to buy one meal for that milk-vendor's

YOU CAN'T!!! And that's the truth. You can't do anything except writing
pieces of code, which you regard as full of life for reasons known best
to you.

I broke into tears thinking about my own plight. I hated the fact that I
existed. Why was I going through this entire trauma? What was holding me
here? The money?. The passion to program?. The feeling that I would be
isolated if I didn't work?. I don't know. I am still searching for the

Then, suddenly out of nowhere, images of my family came into my mind. My
dad, who had taken care of the family since I remember him. In fact,
since I remember anything. My mom who would not have slept even a little bit,
since I have not reached home. And my brother, who doesn't actually show it,
but misses me when he doesn't see me. "I am not alone" I shouted. "I have
this beautiful world to live in, with beautiful people in it"

Friends, do go out sometimes. Share your life with the people you love
the most. Share your life with the nature. Share it with the wind. Share it
with the sun. Share it with the rain. Things much much more important than
programming is happening out there. But it won't come for you, you have
to go out and find it.

No comments: